love

Opportunities

I am an excitable sort of man, running hot and cold. Like with most things, it’s both the best and worst thing about me. Over the years, I have learned to, first, reluctantly accept this characteristic, then drop the ‘reluctantly,’ and finally mostly loving those parts of me, even when they hurt or causs a great deal of tension or misunderstanding between us. Yesterday, even I was a little surprised how high my emotions were running.

I’m not sure I should have been surprised.

What I see all around us is division and incivility. Battle lines have been drawn, and, as Gandalf commands the Balrog in The Fellowship of The Ring, “You shall Not Pass” over these lines. Nuance and complex, complicated positions have been thrown out with manners, we point fingers, call names, and race to see who can dehumanize the other first. [I started to write, “Outside of the church it’s even worse.” I thought it was a clever twist, a way to shine a light on our own behavior, as we all assumed the characteristics were, of course, about them. But I realized I wasn’t clever, I was just wrong. It’s not worse outside of the church.]

In this environment, I can’t help but feel the crushing disappointment of our (as yet) squandered opportunity. In the Scriptures, the followers of God are commanded to be “set apart,” to think, look, and act differently. Different from who we were, but also different from the rest of the culture. We’re called to carry packs 2 miles, wash each other’s feet, and love our enemies. These examples are shocking behaviors, totally counter to the rest of the culture. They will know us by our love, right? But I’m more and more convinced they won’t know us at all.

Of course, I don’t agree with everybody. As a matter of fact, we might passionately disagree. I have strong, big opinions, principles, positions that I hold. Do you remember all of those conversations we had about the concept of “weight?” Not our bodies on bathroom scales, but the weight of priority. Essentially, we will surely reach a place where we have to choose between things, and the only criteria is the value we place on those things. Will I (1) rest on the Sabbath OR (2) rescue my donkey, which has fallen in a hole? Will I (1) stay up late tonight, sleep in tomorrow OR (2) go to bed so I can get to the gym early tomorrow morning? Do I (1) save my money OR (2) go out with my friends? And on and on, a million times a day.

So, let’s say you & I don’t agree. We could fight out loud, shake our fingers/fists, stop talking to each other, you stop coming to the Bridge (or wherever you go, whatever you do, whoever you sit next to), and you can tell your other friends that I’m dumb, uneducated, and heartless. I’ll tell my other friends the same thing about you. That’s 1, and it’s the preferred method of our current situation. Corporately, we’ve decided it’s a good path. We like it.

Or.

We could ask each other why we think what we do, and actually listen to each other (because we love each other), we can try to understand (we don’t even have to change our minds, just hear the other), continue to sit next to each other in front of the cross (because we love Jesus, and because we love each other), worship together (because we love each other), we won’t tell our other friends anything nasty about the other (because we are choosing to continue to love each other). That’s the 2nd.

I think if we choose the 2nd, cats and dogs living together under God, it would be so wildly new and radical, we would stand out like neon lights in a field of total darkness. We would draw others, like mosquitoes, who would seek our light, and then, we would point them to the only light we know, the source of the light we’ve seen & experienced, the only light that could bring something so new and wonderful, which is Jesus, who can (AND WILL) breath neon light into everybody. It’s a gigantic opportunity to change the story, to cut new paths. We can go a different direction, but it’s still the same old roads. We desperately need new roads.

Messy?

So, what I’m thinking, after several weeks of relational discord and the nagging sense that “things are not as they should be,” is that I might not agree any longer. Maybe things are exactly as they should be.

First, of course they aren’t. We have been made for eternity, made by a loving God for shalom in paradise, walking with Him, filled by Him. We are living in times bathed in tears, our own and everybody else’s. There’s war, hate, and on and on and on, we are covered by a general blanket of anxiety, rage, suffering, and unworthiness. The idea of sin simply means “missing the mark,” which implies that there is a mark, this is not it, and as long as we are missing it, everything cannot be “exactly as they should be.”

However. We have a trinitarian God, 3 in 1 – this God expresses Himself/Themselves in perfect community, a divine dance, selflessly giving and receiving, Each pointing to the Other; Father, Son, And Spirit. One of the most interesting implications of this wildly unfathomable Trinity is that, being made in His image, we are made to be in relationship. This is clear in the Garden, before the fall, when the man alone was called, “not good.” Eden is not Eden without relationship, without others.

But, then, given that fact, what do we do with the fact that other people are awful? We think that we could really follow Jesus, really give ourselves to Him, truly offer all of our mind, body, and soul to Him, without the mess of our neighbors. (We all know loving our enemies is almost impossible, it’s hard enough to love those who live in the same house!!!) It would be easier for you to maintain pure thoughts without my dumb jokes and bad decisions, wouldn’t it? (Imagine how hard it is to live with me.) If politics is just the science of the way we organize ourselves in a society, the absence of people would mean we have no need to organize a society… wouldn’t it be much more reasonable to be peaceful, patient, and disciplined without politicians? And we could all breathe like monks if there weren’t any other cars/drivers on the roads, right?

When the refrain of a social life is “messy,” it rings like a lament. Messy, messy, messy. Like milk spilled on the floor, out of order, disruption. But the more I see & experience of God, the more I see that a life without brothers & sisters or enemies or politics or getting cut off on the road, or even my dumb jokes, isn’t following Jesus at all. It’s just another way we “miss the mark.” [A full life is marked by periods of intentional solitude, rest, and communion with God – but a life built on solitude is absolutely contrary to this amazing creation. It’s not good to be alone.]

Withdrawal isn’t an option. We are made to be a blessing to a world in pain, even as we are a part of that world in pain. We are made to be agents of healing, even as we are sometimes the ones inflicting the wounds. This is all part of the human experience. Jesus asks us to be peacemakers, this implies that we will be living in a world that is not at peace. And sometimes, we are the ones who upset the shalom. All of this is true.

And if being human is inherently messy… If all of our relationships, even the best of them, are messy, at times… Maybe it’s ice to start looking at the mess not as something to be eliminated, but to see it as what it is, life. A full, beautiful, present life IS messy. It has always been. Maybe it was always supposed to be. Maybe it’s the primary vehicle for our sanctification. Or to put it another way, how do we learn patience if not for those who test our patience? How do we learn the loveliness of difference if not for the different?

Yes, we are awful. And yes, we are the greatest. One day, this creation will be totally redeemed, no more tears, hate, or pain, but until then, instead of trying in futility to rid our yards of grass and dirt, maybe we could just lay down and roll around?

Fresh Eyes

Everybody needs a fresh word, sometimes.

Here are some of the lyrics from a song, “Fresh Eyes,” written and performed by Andy Grammer: I got these fresh eyes, never seen you before like this. My God, you’re beautiful. It’s like the first time when we opened the door, ‘Fore we got used to usual…So suddenly, I’m in love with a stranger. I can’t believe that she’s mine. Now all I see is you with fresh eyes, fresh eyes…

There isn’t really any subtlety here, as far as I can tell. He wrote this to his wife. How deep does the phrase “before we got used to usual” cut? We all can point to the things that, once, changed our lives, and now are just…ordinary. I can remember driving to the Angel’s apartment at college to pick her up for our first date, wondering what I’d do about the birds (much larger than butterflies) in my stomach, scared if I’d have to pull the car over to throw up. It’s now 25+ years later, I no longer drive to see her, I see her every day – she’s the first one I see in the morning, the last at night. I kissed her goodnight when I’d drop her off, when we were dating, now I kiss her goodbye at her car door in the morning, and hello at the front door after work, and every other time I can. Like Andy, I can’t believe she’s mine. She’s out of my league, but that’s her problem. When it comes to her, I am grateful to have never lost my fresh eyes.

So, this song is about our wives, but it’s also about everything else. I have these orange flowers next to the pond just outside of my back door that are so beautiful, they could probably knock you down, and I almost never go outside to see them, or even stop to notice them when I bring the groceries inside. They are “usual.” There is a song called “Brooklyn Bridge,” by Alex do Leo (the hook is “come on, won’t you kiss me on the Brooklyn Bridge,” and it’s consistently surprising anything could sound that good) that is absolutely perfect. I’ve heard it 5,000 times and can hear it anytime I want, and rarely do, anymore. It is usual. I could list many more. I wonder how many “usual” things are in our lives, “usual” simply because we forgot how extraordinary they actually are.

And what about the stories of our lives? We can forget how beautiful we are, how talented and full of promise we are. We get trapped in rote cycles of behavior, thinking/believing, and lose our hope & imagination. These lives (overwhelming gifts from a Loving God) become obstacles to be endured, instead of experienced with breathless joy and wonder. Why is that? When did we get so used to usual???

Last Sunday, I was sitting in the front pew at the Bridge before anyone else arrived, reflecting on what we’re building in our community. Do we ever forget? And treat it like it’s an obligation or “have-to?” Like it’s the usual that we’ve gotten used to?

Flowers, songs on the radio, church services, family meals, laughter, phone calls, basketball games…these explosions of the divine are everyday miracles, certainly not the mindless routines we so often take for granted. Just because we’ve held that hand for so long doesn’t make it any less awesome than the first time. If we’re totally honest, it really makes it more awesome.

Sometimes we need fresh words to see the truth of our reality, of our promise, of our story. And sometimes we need to speak those words, bringing new worlds into focus. And to speak them, we need to see them. We need fresh eyes. This may seem daunting, but if we learn anything from the resurrection and the redemption/renewal of all things, it’s that nothing is ever just ‘what it is,’ dead bones can live again, and everything can be new again. Then, “all we see” will be Jesus, the Gospel, you, me, us, them, all of this, with fresh eyes.

The Homework

Sunday morning was especially life-giving for me. We asked a million questions, and those sorts of messages are always my favorites. The idea that we will actually spend any time during the week to consider them is so hopeful, because it’s there, in the search & discovery, that our lives begin to take the shape they might become. The very best a church service can do is to send us into His presence. In the study, prayer, application, wrestling, praise, pain, relationship, and on and on through the beauty of The Church and the local church, there is the invitation into Who He is and who we are, in Him.

The verse in Titus that prompted the homework was this one: “To the pure, all things are pure,” and it’s opposite: to the impure, every one can be the vehicle for impurity. Vehicles like food, career, money, sex, desire, ambition, progress, study, knowledge can drive us to His feet, in worship and community, or down wide, smooth paths to the sad, lonely altars we’ve built to ourselves. Into His arms, or into temples for religions created for just 1, the high priest and only congregant is the same person: me. We drive these vehicles, they go where we steer them.

Where are we driving? That’s the choice before us. And like those road trips that require recalculation, u-turns, and backtracking over wrong turns, our lives are constantly asking for evaluation. Is this where we want to be? Is the destination still the same for us, or have we changed our minds and decided to go somewhere new? And my favorite question: NOW WHAT???

How do we chart a new course for these vehicles of ours? The simple truth is the same as most everything. We connect to Him. We ask, seek, knock. We hold His hand and follow where He leads. Yes, simple, but not at all easy. We’ll have to stop some things, start others. But it all starts with The Ask. Where have we allowed our vehicle to be driven by another, who might not have our best interests in mind, who wants to drive as fast as possible toward & into an inevitable crash?

So, we ask, and when we receive our answer, then there’s that next decision to make. Will we take the wheel back and give it to Him, so we can turn around, because as we do that, these things (food, career, etc) are recalibrated to see their inherent purity, and become, again, holy. We eat with purpose, with gratitude, and not mindlessly shovel down as much as we can while we’re driving to the next box to check. We work with character and integrity in beautiful service instead of to stack dollar bills, building bigger barns to store our ever-growing mountains of what some marketer has convinced us is the new solution for what ails us. When we ask, we get tingles and goose-bumps. That is possibility that we feel. We can take this world back, give it to the One Who made it, and us. All questions have the same answer, ultimately: Love. And in those 4 letters, there is eternity.

But it all starts with a question, on a Tuesday morning in February.

The Honesty of Authentic Presence

10ish years ago, my sister and I had a fight on the Ocean City boardwalk. I don’t have any idea what we were arguing about now, but it made everyone uncomfortable and the rest of the family all wished they were somewhere else. Or probably that we were somewhere else.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned, but last night, my youngest son had his last high school basketball game. I’m not going to go into details about that game, (or any other game, for that matter), or my feelings for/about him. But this is the sort of event that can make a man like me very sensitive, mushy even, for quite a while.

Studies show that human beings generally recognize 3 emotions: happy, sad, and mad. Of course, this isn’t anywhere close to enough, and it’s not that we don’t feel different emotions, we just lack the vocabulary to accurately communicate those emotions. Last night was bittersweet. I was proud, disappointed, joyful, overwhelmed. I was happy, sad, and mad, at different times. Sometimes at the same time. It would have taken 1,000 hands to hold everything I was feeling.

Several times during Sunday morning’s sermon, I realized & acknowledged (in my head) my tone and my turbulent spirit. As I taught about the second chapter of Titus, I realized how much of these moments were colored by this game, this program, church dynamics, politics, relationships, how I slept, what I ate, even what shoes I was wearing. Everything comes to the party, and it should, because everything matters.

Our services begin with a silent prayer, where we come as we are, bringing what we carry, to the feet of Jesus. It is embarrassingly misguided to pretend that we can come any other way, as if we are blank slates unaffected by the world around us. The prodigal son’s words to His Father land differently after you have children. The story of Israel is different from opposite sides of empire.

And I think that’s an absolutely intentional requirement of a life of faith. One of the most important observations I learned in seminary that totally changed my life is the honesty in every word of the Scriptures. Whether it’s in Lamentations, Habakkuk, Psalms, Titus, or any other book, God doesn’t want our sacrifices if they aren’t real. He has no use for fake plastic hypocrisy. He doesn’t want our pretense and our loud, grandiose assemblies if He doesn’t have our hearts.

He has mine. And so do you. Sunday morning, you get my awe, my reverence for the God Who rescued me, my study, prayer, interpretation, faith, AND my broken, confused, euphoric, sometimes wildly contradictory spirit. My careful conclusions and my dumb jokes. My cold, broken hallelujah.

Last night, I was disgusted at the basketball program while I wept for the people in it. I never want the season to end, and I’m so happy it’s over. I think there are lots of things that Jesus needs to transform in me, and I know He loves me in a way none of us can fathom, as I am. I get so many things wrong, and I am forgiven. I don’t want to stay this me, but I really like this me. Last summer, I told the baseball players I coached that I was finished, and I was relieved & thrilled to be done, and so sorry I thought I might crumble.

Being fully present, authentically ourselves, in true relationship with Our Creator and each other means all of this.

I chose a picture for this post. It’s last week’s senior night. I’m happy and sad, proud, hopeful, and he might be holding me up because I love him so much I might die. What it is, really, is a picture of gratitude. God gave us each other. And to stand next to for all of it, this God gave me the Angel.

I told you about Ocean City because, while everybody else wished to be somewhere else, I didn’t (and I bet my sister didn’t, either.) To be as close as we are requires us to bring everything we are to this amazing party. I’d love to go back to that night, when my boys were 5 and 7, and it was summer and the ground wasn’t covered with ice, but I don’t need to, I was there, then, fighting with my sister, loving every moment of this beautiful life I have been given. And if I could/would go back, I wouldn’t have been there last night, and I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.

Super Soldier Serum

The site prompt is, “What would you do if you won the lottery?” And that makes me think of a line from the Marvel TV show The Falcon & The Winter Soldier. There’s a guy who is supposed to be the new Captain America, and he’s debating about whether or not he should take a super soldier serum (which sounds silly to write here, but it is a superhero show), and his buddy, Lamar, tells him, “power just makes you more of what you are.” That applies to money, too, obviously. I don’t necessarily ascribe to the theory that “absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

The full quote (from Lord Acton, the 13th Marquess of Groppoli – full disclosure, I don’t have any idea what a Marquess is or what/where/who Groppoli is, but I love that I could use it in real life) is, “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men, even when they exercise influence and not authority; still more when you superadd the tendency of the certainty of corruption by authority.” Power does tend to corrupt, but I can’t go with ‘absolute/always’ of the rest. But again, speaking of words, I’m using “superadd” immediately and often.

And this makes me think of Sunday morning, and our discussion on character and judgment. We could talk forever about these 2 topics, right?

Character is the x-factor that disproves the 13th Marquess of Groppoli, and reinforces Lamar’s comments. If a man has the kind of character traits Paul is listing to Titus, maybe that’s exactly the kind of person who should have power, who would use it in service, to help, to build, to defend, to give, to love. Maybe that’s exactly the kind of person who should take a super soldier serum.

But what if we don’t have that kind of character? You know I wanted to add, “…kind of character now, today?” That’s why judgment is so linked in my mind to character. Christ makes us new, so this very moment is the perfect opportunity to begin to superadd this kind of integrity.

Judgment is making decisions about someone’s essence. For instance, to use our terms from the message, when that boy/girl that behaves violently, full of bitterness, with anger, rage and hatred, he/she IS, in the deepest parts of themselves, that kind of person, and worse, will always be that kind of person. We lock them in a box they can never escape. When Jesus says, “Do not judge,” I think He means to open that box. Whether they climb out of the box built from their own actions, or not, is up to them and Jesus Christ, certainly not me. I can hope & pray they do. And maybe that box involves the consequences of those actions or our boundaries. But we no longer hold the key to another’s cell.

And then Jesus brilliantly turns our spotlight into a mirror. “Take the plank out of your own eye.” So, we no longer have the key to another’s cell, but we do have the key to our own. We can leave. We can start anew, and write a beautiful new story. We can allow and encourage others to do the same. We can become the people who can take the super soldier serum or win the lottery and use it to bless everyone, everywhere.

1,000 Points

Maybe the least surprising thing to you is that I’m writing today, about this. Last night, my youngest son, named after the prophet Elisha, scored his 1,000th point as a basketball player. It was on a great move, where he was fouled, and the bucket counted, on what’s called an “and-1.” The game stopped, while we all stood and cheered this significant achievement. The Angel, my oldest son, and I were able to go on the court to hug him and take pictures. I told you I’d be the one with the watery eyes, and I was. I think we all were.

Then, less than 5 minutes later, he blocked a shot and, as he came down, rolled his ankle and missed the rest of the game and probably the rest of the week (at least). I may have mentioned (a time or 2 million) that an authentic, fully present life is held with 2 hands, in this case, great celebration and pain, minutes apart.

We all looooved last night, and we went to bed, aching with disappointment. 2 hands.

This young man, my son, and I prayed in the training room. I asked him what hurt more, his heart or his ankle, to which he replied, “same.” His concern was over their hopes at playoffs. Then, later, after the game (a loss), he composed himself and graciously received the accolades and congratulations from those who showed up to love him, thanking every one. In those moments, I could so clearly see my boy becoming the man he will be. Sunday night, I told him that we would be talking so much about his athletic performance, which is considerable, but our love for him has absolutely nothing to do with points or wins. And when I told him last night how proud of him I am, that also had nothing to do with a ball or a hoop.

But as far as a ball and hoop go, these points and this celebration, he earned them. Almost no one sees the hours and hours, the buckets of sweat, the study, the focus he invests. 1,000 points don’t just happen, they are the product of much, much more than 4 – 8 minute quarters. He’s gifted, of course, but he has worked to explore the depth of those gifts, to see what might be possible. An evening in January looks/feels far off on empty courts in June, but they do come.

I wrote a post yesterday about the intense hypocrisy of the adults from Friday’s game (who may have been from Lancaster Mennonite;). Before the game last night, the head coach of our opponents last night found me in the hallway and congratulated me, and asked many questions about my boy. His job was to beat our team, but he was one of those who cared for the boys on both teams. It’s no surprise his son (who I had the privilege/pleasure to know and coach) is so classy and kind. The juxtaposition between the 2 people could not have been more stark, and made Friday’s coach and program look that much worse. I relayed our conversation to my son, and he said how that coach (whose name may have been Chris George, and whose team may have been Northern Lebanon) also spoke with him, and expressed his genuine sadness with the injury. It was a wonderful illustration of the best part of sports.

Now. The real reason I opened my computer to write today was not on the court. The stands were packed full of people who love this beautiful young man. Friends drove hours to be there, made plans, gave up their own valuable time to sit in a gym on a frigid Monday night. You know, we fall in love with Jesus, we intentionally create these lives together, trying to step into our call every day, each moment, choosing our values, deciding who we’ll be and what we believe, and time passes, and we rarely get the opportunity to stand back and see the divine blessings that God has bestowed. Then, you happen to look up from your seat in the stands, and see the people of these lives filing in to love your son, and it is then that you can truly see the love and grace of God.

My post yesterday was, a little, about the dangers of tying Jesus to the actions of His followers. My post today is about the upside of that relationship. As we posed for pictures on the court, teary eyed and full, I looked up into the stands and I saw the faces of our lives, the answers to our prayers, our hope manifest. God may not always give a paved road, full of gobs of money, comfort and ease, but He gives us each other, and that is so much more than enough, so much better.

I am overwhelmed. I am grateful. He has a thousand and three points and I have a ba-zillion thank you’s that I’ll try to give to Him, and to you, with my life.

Hypocrisy

In this documentary I’m  in the process of watching, a girl named Natalia Grace is living with a family where the husband/father is a bishop in a denominational local church. As he was introduced, I said to the Angel, “Oh no, I hope he’s not the worst, and doesn’t do anything awful.” Maybe he will, but there was a scene where he got into an argument that nearly turned physical with Natalia Grace’s previous adoptive father. It began with the bishop’s stern scolding for this guy to watch his language, and that was enough. The scolded person raged like a child, tearing off his microphone and leaving. The bishop and the guy’s lawyer faced off, taking this all into the street, where they were nose to nose, all peacocks trying to assert their dominance in typical neanderthal behavior. Sigh.

And I thought of Paul’s letters.

Then, last week, we had a basketball game at a Christian high school (which may have been Lancaster Mennonite). Over the last many years, we have found religious schools to be at the bottom in terms of behavior and sportsmanship, this school (which may have been Lancaster Mennonite) consistently being the very most depressing.

As a matter of fact, I wrote my one and only heartbroken email to a school website after a particularly gross display. I almost wrote my second last week.

We had quite a few friends and family members there to watch my son’s game, some of whom aren’t Jesus followers, for the same reason most aren’t. If you ask people on any street to describe Christians, the first response isn’t usually “loving,” “kind,” or “patient,” it’s not sin or mistakes or anything related to what we actually do, it’s “hypocritical.” And if our call is the Great Commission, hypocrisy is the major obstacle. I am more and more convinced that it’s very nearly impossible to meet the real Jesus, and read the real Bible, and not fall in love with Him. But we don’t, and instead, we decide who He is, and what the Scriptures say, based on the people who follow Him and sit in pews on Sunday morning.

Now, we can recognize that we are all hypocritical sometimes, right? I am and you are, but we know each other, we have a close relationship with a lot of history and experience, so it’s fairly easy to accept each other’s flaws. It’s why it’s so much easier to call someone a monster from far away and rationalize the same actions in our home. BUT, if the first impression you had of me was me aggressively pretending to be one thing while I am clearly another, we might not have gotten to have that deep, rich history in our relationship.

The fact that this Christian school from last week (which may or may not have been Lancaster Mennonite) has chosen winning high school basketball games perhaps isn’t the main problem, it’s the corporate prayer over the loudspeaker before the game, and the circle of players at half court afterwards that is.

If you’re driving home today, and a monster truck, whose driver is yelling out the window, giving you 2 hands of birds, cuts you off, and as you’re veering from the road into the grass, you see that truck speeding away with a school of Jesus fish and Bible verse stickers papering the tailgate…well, I don’t imagine you’re going home looking for a local church to get to the bottom of that person’s faith.

Paul writes about tv documentary bishops and half court prayers in most of his letters, except he uses words & phrases like “live blameless lives,” “don’t drink so much, or “be faithful to your wife,” and lots of other timely examples. Not because if we’re not blameless or if we lie or want our neighbor’s donkey, God will be mad at us and rescind our rescue, revoke our salvation. After all, Paul also says, “everything is permissible,” and “I can do anything,” says that salvation (thankfully) isn’t based on our resume in the least. However, in the next breath, he says, “don’t do anything that causes another to fall.” So much of the list of behaviors are really about removing any obstacles that we build between ourselves and Jesus’ love. That’s our call and our mission. He knows if I am not faithful to my wife in my personal life while I am publicly teaching the texts that speak of honor and fidelity, it might be a bitter pill for you to swallow, and a pill that might push you far away. If I teach of purity, and you see me at a place I should not be, with people I should not be with, doing things I should not be doing, it could act as a wedge that keeps you away (whether that is fair or not.)

I’m writing this, not to disparage that bishop or that school (which may or may not be…you get the picture), but as a real life epistle from the Apostle Paul. The Bible happened, and it happens everyday since. The Great Commission is still our commission, just because we can doesn’t mean we should, and our call is, has always been, to build bridges. It is to get us to lower our arms so He can wrap His around us all. And sometimes prayers on the town square aren’t meant for Him at all.

What Could I Do Differently?

You know the hosting website for this blog asks questions. Sometimes, they’re pretty dumb, but other times… Today’s site prompt is: What could you do differently?

That’s a terrific one, because the way we answer speaks volumes about who we really are. What if your answer is, “nothing at all?” Think about everything that level of arrogance says. Is it arrogance OR maybe contentment and acceptance. How about, “I’ve never thought about it before?” Or, “I could floss in the mornings?” “I’d like to tell my kids I love them.” “Maybe go a new way to work?” “Read a novel.” “Go to church (or the gym or the school board meeting.)” Great question, right?

Are we answering what we could do differently? That question is endless, we could literally do everything differently. Sleep on the other side of the bed, eat with our left hand, slide down handrails. Or are we answering what we should do differently? which is a totally different thing they’re asking. I wonder how the AI prompt generator meant it. Mostly, I wonder how we read it, but of course I would wonder that. It’s a variation of the topic of the last 2 Sunday mornings. What now? Who are you? Who do you want to be? How do we get there? How do we “prepare the horses,” or “build the house?” Are our relationships, jobs, whatever – are our lives what we want them to be, based on our own Divine creation? And what could we do differently?

Are we loving our neighbors? We could probably do that differently. Are we caring for our marriages & families in ways they understand and receive? We can always do that differently. Our answers are as unique as we are. After service on Sunday, a very good friend who is a brilliant woman was asking what kind of hose she is. (The message discussed being conduits, being hoses, for the love of God to travel through.) Was she a soaker? A sprinkler? Think about all the kinds of hoses and flows. Which one are we, today? Which one will we be tomorrow? Could we be a different kind of hose? Are we even a hose at all?

Questions are so much fun. Lives are so rarely transformed by a scolding, or even a directive. Do this. Do that. You know what you should do or what you should think or who you should vote for??? We usually unplug right about then, and start looking around for somewhere else to be. But a question, that’s an invitation that gives us the chance to consider, to hold the strong, lovely, wise hand of Jesus and walk into dark spaces we might not have gone otherwise.

Jesus asks a blind man, “What do you want Me to do for you?” I wonder what I want Him to do for me? Jesus, what do You want to do for me? What do I want? Is that what I really want? Is that what would bring me joy & peace? Jesus, what could I do differently? His question opens the door into all sorts of new questions, new opportunities to know ourselves, to know Him, to trust. To know what to do, and discover the courage to do it. To love.

And then, well, that’s the tricky part, we listen. Now that I think about it, it’s how I’d answer the site prompt: I would listen.

Sunday Morning Telephone Call

At the end of every Sunday service, our community gathers into a circle-ish shape, holding hands for a closing prayer. Last week, at this precise moment, my phone rang. (Of all people to have a ringing phone on Sunday morning, right?) I silenced the noise and after making a short obvious joke (“who calls me on a Sunday morning???”), said, “I wish I could tell you who that was.”

Now I can.

I began journals for my boys on the day we found out they were alive. That is, the day we were blessed with a positive pregnancy test. Each began with, “Today is _____, and at ____pm, we found out you were here.” I continued these journals for the 9 months, then through the first year of their lives on the outside. They are an account of their growth (“you are probably the size of a cashew by now”), current events (war, terrorism, political elections, etc), personal events (my dad passed during Samuel’s first year, etc), advice (just in case I’m not there to pass it along face-to-face), and very much more. Essentially, it is an account of who we were. As they grew and transformed, so did I. So did I.

I had to wait to give them. There are content issues not fit for a 7 year old, for example. But more importantly, I had to be ok with the possibility that they may not read them. Just because they’re so overwhelmingly significant to me doesn’t mean they’ll mean the same to them, at least now. And that has been terrifying, it would have broken my heart and I would’ve been, in my unspeakable hurt, angry. It had to be a gift that I could offer, completely unconditionally. They had to be free to casually cast them aside for the next gift.

An interesting fact is that these journals (along with 2 novels I wrote in college) are the only things I wrote that we saved in the flood. Everything else (crates FULL of notebooks) went under and were unable to be salvaged. The Angel knew the importance of these and rescued them before she left that night.

Anyway. This was the year to give them. The book for the youngest was handwritten, but the oldest’s was a stack of printed papers that needed to be bound. Staples is a chain office supply store that offers this service. I took all 3 in (his book and the 2 novels) and, as I handed them across the desk (they would take 1 day), the weight of the paper and distance of the desk become clear. What if something happened? There were no extra copies, no back-ups, no possible replacements. I held them tightly, said, “they are very meaningful to me,” and this sweet young man behind the desk replied, “I will take care of them.”

But that didn’t make the night go much easier. So, when Staples came up on my phone during our prayer circle, it was a thrilling relief. (Of course, it could have been a message saying, “sorry, we lost your work,” but I was convinced that sort of message wouldn’t come during worship.) He DID take care of them.

I gave my sons their books, their love letters, their written illustration of my heart, their account of how much they are loved by their daddy, on Christmas morning. I may have abstractly mentioned them in passing through the years, so there were rumors of their existence, but to see them in their hands was extraordinary. They didn’t cry, but I sure did. To see the young men I wrote these words to so many years ago, holding them in their hands, is… well, it’s a big deal. It’s an honor, responsibility, joy to be a dad, their dad. (In a colossal understatement,) It’s just the best.

The most important decision we make is to say Yes to Jesus, then we participate with the Spirit to create these beautiful, faithful, dedicated lives. These books are simply a way that love, His love, comes out of me. Our lives are our greatest artwork. And My life (of which these books – and my marriage, the Bridge, my work, relationships, everything – are a part) is mine; my offering, my response, the way I say Thank You to My Savior, Who has given me everything and more.

So, that was the phone call. It was a very welcome interruption.